Tuesday, January 28, 2014

My fears (realized) with raising a daughter...

My life as a stay at home mom is wonderful. Oh, I have my days, like most moms out there. But at the end of the day, being the mother of these two amazing little souls is one of my greatest blessings. Through all my struggles with weight, I thought having them might never even be possible. Here I am, two amazing, goofy balls of energy that I get to call mine.

But I struggle with my demons. Not evil, let's write a Stephen King novel kind of demons, but the kind that controlled me all my life. Food and my own body issues...and the very real fear that I can feel them already creeping in regarding my 4 year old daughter. The fear that she would EVER have to feel how I felt all my life. That she would ever have to stand in her dance classes, even at an early age, praying that the teacher took into consideration the fact that you didn't 'look like the other girls' when she was picking out costumes. Knowing that on recital day, you were the biggest girl in class and no amount of sucking it in was going to change that.

Absolutely dreading middle school gym class because you have to take a shower or change in front of the other girls. Holding your gym towel with your chin, as if that was enough to cover your chubby body while changing.

Envying all her friends because they can borrow each others clothes and shop together in the same section while you're sifting through 'mom clothes'. Layering as many things as possible.

That she would be secretly eating, stashing food in her room, sneaking in the cupboards at night so her parents, brothers, or husband don't see her. Hoping no one notices the food she puts on her plate as surely they will be judging the food she 'doesn't need'. Standing in a super market aisle, wanting desperately to grab that candy bar in the check-out lane, but resisting because of the person behind you that surely is 'judging your decision'.

Not being asked on a date, dance or prom. Just wanting to be watching 'your guy' on the football field. Not the one who didn't even know you existed. Growing into an adult, and watching your friends date, marry, and have children, while you were just hoping to not be noticed as 'the girl with the pretty face'. And having near panic attacks when you get together with your friends and they are talking about all the stuff you only dream about.

Getting married to a wonderful man and still questioning why he loves you and wanted to marry you, because you find yourself so disgusting. Funny? Sure, you're a riot...but attractive? Eh.

My parents loved me, they never made me feel like anything less than loved or special. And to be honest I was never bullied, I had lots of friends, and generally speaking, I was happy. But not all the time, and my weight issues were always in the back of my mind. Constantly. Even today as I work towards this healthier me...it's a constant thought. Only this time, it's of what is appearing through this journey, and not about what I'm going to eat next. Sure I get down on myself when I cheat a little, (like for some reason I feel bloated right now and can feel ye ol' muffin top) but at the end of the day, I'm not consumed by self-condemnation. It's a freeing feeling. As I've said in other posts, I'm not consumed by food, and that is liberating.

But as I write this, I still haven't converted all my family. And I know that I'm not doing her any favors because of this. Life as a mom can be crazy...and kids can be demanding, and when I'm in the middle of making dinner, a project, or with the baby, it's easy for me to tell her to grab some fruit snacks, animal crackers, or cookie out of the pantry when she's hungry. I have great guilt about this, and it shouldn't even be an option in this house. I'm trying to teach her about healthy eating...but I fall way shorter than I should. And for that I'm guilty.

So why this sudden fear has surfaced? Recently I've noticed that my little petite Princess is rounding out.  She's been so petite all her life, that it just suddenly took me by surprise. (took me by surprise that she was petite too!) She's also told me a couple nights during bedtime that 'I told you I was hungry mom. I'm hungry all the time. Food makes me feel good.' (after a good meal and likely a bedtime treat) Talk about a statement that scares a momma who's battled food and weight all her life. I've talked with her about the importance of eating our meals till we are satisfied, and then we won't feel so hungry for 'snacks' and other things. I refuse to be part of the clean plate club, especially since I am the one who plates her food.  I also insist on a healthy snack (if I didn't save her uneaten dinners) if we don't eat our meals well. She's come to accept that. I thought it was just me that noticed this change, but my mom said the same thing. I was also very small till I was 4, which is around the time I contracted asthma.

No...I'm not going to guilt her...I'm not going to shame her about food, her body or anything else. I'm not going to impose my 'issues' on her, because let's face it, the kids of today are going to be faced with a lot of tough things. I know she's a little girl and truly average size. But I need to lead a better example with my family and 'preach what I practice' when it comes to eating. More often than just dinner. Because I love her to much to ever let her go through 'not loving herself'. Because at this stage in the game, I call the shots on her nutrition. And it is up to ME to make sure she has all the ammo she needs to grow up the 'healthy' way. I am not going to become a vigilante about it...she's still a kid...but I plan to be way more mindful of their nutrition. That is MY job.

I'm sure some may be thinking I'm blowing this out of proportion. And it's not that I'm freaking out. But it's something I plan to be more mindful of. Because if this makes no sense to you...then you didn't grow up feeling how I felt.

I feel blessed every time I put something new on that I can't believe fits me. Or to look in a mirror and like what I see. To have compliments come freely. To not feel like getting up from the couch is a chore. Be able to walk by a food that use to be irresistible and resist it without feeling deprived. To shop with my friends, maybe even share clothes. To do many of the things I've always dreamed of. I've got only 8 little pounds to go to get to 'one-derland' and I am so excited. My hope and greatest wish is that SHE will ALWAYS know how these things feel, and that it won't take her 37 years to figure out.

To Health!


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Girl....you'll be a Misses soon....

For most of my life, I have wondered what it might be like to shop with 'selection' instead of a tiny section of clothing (that has gotten better for sure with the Lane Bryant's of the world), that is filled with a selection of quilted vests, polyester pants, obnoxious sweaters, sweater vests, and sweatshirts with 'faux' collars and things like leaves, pumpkins, holly, and 'worlds greatest grandma' stitched on the front.  Well I'm finally getting a chance to see how the 'other half lives'!

Went shopping yesterday with my mom and Grandma. The plan was to get some Christmas Shopping done. However, in my mind I was also hoping to find some clothes that fit me well, and maybe don't make my 3 year-old ask me if I 'pooped my pants'. So yes...I was selfish....I shopped for me. But shopping is starting to get fun again! I'm so programmed to automatically head for the 'plus-size' section that this is going to need some reprogramming!  But I found myself wandering around the misses section, picking up pants to try, dresses and shirts. What a gratifying feeling to know that my hard work has finally landed me in the land of the "Misses".  And although I'm still on the 'upper register' of this land...I'm at least part of the population.

It was so exciting being in that dressing room, trying on these clothes and not feeling like I was going to sprain a thumb, leg, break a hip from falling over trying to smash on a pair of pants. To just pull up a pair of size 18 from 'their world' and have them even be a tad big, was so exciting I thought I might wander the entire store asking people how I looked and indulging them with my size and story.  It was all I could do not to do a 'Sound of Music' style twirl in front of the three way mirror.  Now mind you, there were a couple sweater dresses I tried on that hugged me a little to lovingly. But the mind set I had in seeing me in a too tight XL from the Misses section was a way better place to be than the one I have had when the 2X in the Plus Size section looks like a weiner casing. Phew. We are getting there. There were even a pair of size 16 jeans I tried on from another store that were a tad big... and I'm well aware all stores and brands are different. But you've been warned, if I find a size 14 jean that fits me, I'll be wearing them inside out and every day.

It's the little things that keep you going in a journey to health. And this is a HUGE accomplishment in my book.  I've only been able to shop in this section one other time in my life.  Ironically it was the last time I went 'low carb'.  And I had to share it, because when I informed my hubby that I could get in a regular size 16, he just stared at me like a deer in the headlights and says 'Is that good?'.  This lifestyle works for me. And as if I didn't need a reminder, last weekend while away at a Mom's conference we ate at a Japenese Steakhouse Friday night. I didn't bother to ask about Gluten free because I just assumed all would be fine. Should've really did my research, because all day Saturday I had 'foggy' brain and my eyes and face felt like I'd been stung by a million bees. Stupid on my part, and very eye opening as to the fact that I truly must have an intolerance to wheat. Lesson learned.  I will now ask.

I hope you are all sticking to whatever 'health' change you've made.  It is hard...but it is worth it when you can finally feel so much pride in yourself and the hard work you've been doing.  I'm not perfect, I am not on point all the time.  I should be, and I want to be...but I'm currently flawed.  But what I am doing is working and for that I am grateful.  If you are curious about this way of life, I encourage you to read "The Wheat Belly Diet" by Dr. William Davis.  It has changed my life in the last 7 months in ways I never imagined!

To Health!


Saturday, November 2, 2013

Seven Months and counting..

I decided it was high time I did a blog post. And time to 'rename' my blog a little! For those of you who I'm friends with on Facebook, you're well aware of how things are going. But I wanted to share some results and ramblings. So I have been living this new lifestyle for 7 months now. Honestly the longest I've ever stuck with any 'diet'. And things continue to go well.  I am human, I am not perfect. But I continue to 'get back on the horse' and not get discouraged even when I've cheated. The old me, would've given up.  Not this time.  I feel so amazing and watching the scale continue to go down is more than encouraging. Lately the weight seems to be 'falling' off.  And again...I'm not perfect.

Finally decided it was time to add exercise into this equation. So started back on the 30 day Shred Monday of this week. I figure I can do anything for 20 minutes right? Even if it's through clenched teeth and shouting profanities at the T.V. With the weight coming off like it has been, I don't want to get to the end of the weight loss portion looking like a Shar-pei puppy... So...tone I will. (yes..now I'm Yoda) I will say starting an exercise program after losing weight is a lot easier than before.

I've included an updated 'swimsuit' shot/before after photo. I have come to find out through some soul searching, that I am my own worst enemy. And even though I am so proud of myself and have come so far...I critiqued my own swimsuit shot like I'm Simon Cowell. I'm to white, I've got to many dimples and hanging skin, I still look fat. NO...I look amazing.  I'm finally able to do some shopping in the misses section, when I wear clothes, I rarely have an issue with 'muffin top' anymore, I actually have a waist, my stomach doesn't rest on my thighs and damn it...I look good! So stop the destroying self talk, and comparing yourself to others and accept yourself as a good person, who's doing her best to have better health.

I'm finally at a point in this journey, that I want to share with you where I started and where I am now. And although I'm not there yet...I'm getting there. 'One-derland' is so close!! Because if you are considering this change, trust me, you won't be sorry. I honestly don't crave anymore, I am rarely hungry, and get full easy. I can say I think I FINALLY have my food addiction under control! Don't wait...do it now. You have nothing but happiness and freedom to look forward to!

Starting (April 2013)
Weight: 254 lbs (280 at delivery of my son in January)
Waist: 44 in.
Arms: 16 in.
Thighs: Upper 28 in. Lower: 21.5 in.
Hips: 51.5 in.
Bust: 43 in.

Today (November 2013) 7 Months Later!
Weight: 216 lbs
Waist: 38 in.
Arms: 13 in.
Thighs: Upper 22.5 in. Lower: 17.5
Hips: 46 in.
Bust: 38 in.

Total Weight Lost: 38 lbs (64 since January)
Total Inches Lost: 29 INCHES!

I have lost in weight since January, the equivalent of my kids weight now. I can't IMAGINE carrying both them around all day. Yet, I was doing just that on my poor bones only 10 short months ago! WOW!

I hope I can be of some inspiration to some of you out there, and I urge you to research this way of eating, if you share a similar journey. You have nothing to lose but a poor self image! It feels so good to love yourself again...trust me. Do it for yourself...you won't regret it!

In Health!


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

I love my job...I love my job....

As another 'few weeks' has passed without a post, I thought I better try to get down a little of 'what's going on in my head'.  First off on the eating...things continue to go pretty good.  I am still at about 22 lbs lost, and there was a week long vacation in there, in which, I can't be sure...but after a 'few' cocktails at the cabin there may...or may not..have been a chocolate covered pretzel incident.  Trying to hide the evidence was a no go, as apparently I fell asleep with a straggler in the camper bed, leaving a chocolate mess.  BUSTED.  That being said, my little girl ended up with what I thought was a "I ate to much crap" flu on vacation, only for me to get it the Sunday we got back.  Which resulted in me having a .6 weight loss from the last time I weighed.  Ahhhh...the 'upside' to the flu!

The 'win' for me when I was talking with my mom about not gaining weight, is that she said that yeah I may have fell off a few times with some drinks, fish fry, etc. I really didn't cheat to bad, and that in normal years when my Grandma brings up her 5 Tupperware's (not kidding) of bars, I'd have had my hand in everything.  And I didn't.  I went armed with my legal sweets, and veggies.  But honestly, I am just not feeling hungry or deprived.  I had to detox a little, but with the flu, it was an easy entry back into doing it right! 

Exercise still seems to allude me.  I want to and know I'm so out of shape and weak that I need to, however making the time alone just doesn't even feel like an option.  Which leads me to what's really on my mind.  I am a stay at home mom...that is my job...and for our family this is really the only set-up that works for us. (and I love it...truly) With my husbands work schedule, the age of our children, and my OCD, working FT is NOT an option.  And watching my babies grow and seeing their milestones is a benefit that I cannot measure.  But lately...I am on burn-out.  With planting done, and other summer time obligations at the farm, it's many a late night.  But it's not even that...I am jealous.  Jealous that I do not have the option to just 'stay late' at work without a thought to what's going to happen with the kids.  I am pissed that I cannot just decide to go out and work on my projects without having to tote a stroller, find a nuk, apply sunscreen, answer a million questions, take a bathroom break, make a snack, and head back in to give a bottle.  They are my responsibility 24/7/7.

I want to be able to make a Dr., Hair, dentist, dinner plans, massage, shopping trip, without first having to find a sitter or figure out what is going to get done with the kids or pack a bag and haul them in and out...and in and out....  I'd like to go have lunch without having to cut up someone's food, take another bathroom break, time the bottle just right, or visit with a friend and give them my undivided attention.  I LOVE MY JOB...I do...but there are people out there that I believe think this is a 'cushion' gig.  It isn't.  And I'm sure there are moms out there that would love to be home with their kids.  I am fortunate, and I know that. 

In amongst all that, I'm keeping a well maintained house, inside AND out.  My duties don't just fall to the inside, that's not how this works.  I do it ALL..within reason.  With owning a 'farm' comes a lot of upkeep and take a lot of pride in my home.  I did finally give up mowing the lawn, but even that makes me feel guilty, because my husband works 75 hrs + and I feel bad making him do one more thing.  And honestly....it's the one time I do get to be alone.  But if no one else is here...I'm running in during nap to make sure everyone is still sleeping and then jumping back on the mower.  I'm like Bo Duke on a zero turn... (notice I didn't say Daisy Duke....YET!) I'm calling insurance companies, mortgage companies, watching our finances, paying bills, dealing with contractors, making the meals, (minus breakfast, as who wants to get up at 4 am to feed their hubby??), taking care of holidays, etc etc.

This is NOT a slam to my husband, he is a great dad and husband.  Albeit clueless at times, but who isn't?!  I'm sure there are things he wishes I did more of or differently.   I'm just saying that this stay at home mom is very grateful that she found this way of life, because had I not...I'd be knee deep in a gallon of ice cream, while dunking graham crackers in milk, and finishing it off with a fist full of chocolate chips.  The old me...would've turned to food when the going felt tough.  The new me, doesn't need to.  I guess this is probably the longest I've stuck with something...and the reason is, because not only does it work...but I feel like I hardly have to work (at this way of life). There are days of desperation where I'm hungry or have a mild craving...but I try to identify it and accommodate.  For instance...chips...I might have a couple olives to cure that salt craving.  But this works for me...and it shows.  Even someone said they thought my skin looked different.  Although I had done a microderm that morning, it was nice to hear!

So if you don't think you can do it...or would last.  Look at me...I'm still 'kicking it old school' and that's not something I've always been able to say after 3.5 months!

To Health!


Friday, May 31, 2013

The Scale Dance...

Apparently I've had a mild stroke, because I swore I had blogged sometime between the 14th and today.  Guess not.  I had posted my weight loss to the ol' Facebook so maybe that's why?! 

Took a little trip down memory lane in my blog.  Didn't realize I've been doing this since the end of 2010.  Wow.  The good news is, in the old posts it appears I'd given up by now...but not this time!  But it hurts my heart to see the comments from my Aunt Melody who lost her battle with Breast Cancer last March.  It's almost like an accident...I want to read them, yet I don't because doing so is to painful.  She would be so proud of me today...always one of my biggest cheerleaders.

So..what's been happening?! Besides gorgeous spring weather..rain...more rain...some sun...OH...just kidding...more rain.  ish.  Sure doesn't motivate a person!  I was pondering the 'scale dance' that we do.  Last week when I weighed in (down another 3 lbs...ahem.) I stood there sucking it in.  Every time I do that...like it's going to make the numbers go down?!  But my scale dance goes beyond that...maybe yours does too.  I only weigh on days I'm 'feeling skinny', if there's a hint of bloat in my body, I won't get near it.  Only will I weigh in the morning...when you are at your thinnest...before eating breakfast and after going #2.  (yes...I'm talking about poop)  So do all these things really matter?!  Likely not...but subconsciously they help me!  So as my eggs sat on the stove this morning I realized it was weigh day...so I left them there...went in the bathroom..stripped down...another 2.6 lbs down this week!  Now I'm less than 2 away from 20 lbs lost since the beginning of April!  I haven't taken my measurements in some time...but since I ate my eggs today...I better wait!

Yesterday I wore the Capri's I wore on my bachlerette party 5 years ago...and they were comfy!  So exciting, so I thought I'm going to Maurices to try on capris, because I could use a new pair of denim ones.  How depressing.  Talk about deflating the high I was on.  I don't know what I was thinking...that just because I was wearing those capri's I could shop in the misses section?!  I do not like how the new capri's are tight on the legs, anything tight on me fills my head with thoughts of 'your failing'. Of course I know it's the style...and the waists fit.  But they were still 18's and I know I was hoping for something better. 

But people are noticing...which is motivating.  I saw someone a couple weeks ago and she told me how fabulous I looked and wonderful.  And instead of just a simple "Thank You" I had to say "Come on...I haven't lost THAT much weight."  Why do we do this?  Why can't we just be grateful for the nice things people say.  I did it again when my mother in law said something this week about me losing a lot of weight.  'Thank you' that's what I should've said, but instead "Well..it's not that much."  I'd like the slap the back of my own head.

So...thank you to a friend...I will leave you with this.  Although I keep saying it's 'just 20 lbs'...here is a list of things that are 'just 20 lbs.' and when put into that perspective...YEAH ME! Per the Internet: Things that weigh 20 pounds: a car tire, a karaoke machine, a tuna fish, a propane tank, 80 sticks of butter.

Exercise still needs to be in my future.  Been doing yard work...flower beds, etc and I feel like I want to fall over.  So I know I owe it to myself to get some activity in...it's just a matter of DOING IT! 

Thank you to everyone for their encouragement.  And if I'm that to you...than I'm happy.  From my blog...and my history this is a journey for me that isn't over and that has always been a struggle.  But truly I tell you...this time it just feels different.

To Health!


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Finally...it MOVES!

The scale finally moved this last couple weeks!  So instead of just losing inches, finally I've lost another 3 lbs.  So that makes 13 total since April 1.  Not bad for a 36 year old.  I remember dieting as a teen (because lord knows I've been doing it all my life) and I'd drop 20 lbs in a month.  But times and metabolism have changed!  But the beauty of this lifestyle is, you are revving up your metabolism, aiding in a more 'rapid' weight loss. 

It occured to me this week....I wonder what thin people fantasize about?  Because for me...all I've really ever fantasized about is being thin...or at least a healthy enough weight that allows me to shop in the 'regular' girl sizes and share clothes with friends.  That's how old this fantasy is...do 30 somethings even share clothes anymore???  As I stepped out of the shower the other day and was looking at my reflection thinking "there's more dimples in the mirror than a Mario Lopez sitcom.", I wondered if when I get to that 'healthy' weight and I am shopping in regular sizes...will that 'fat girl' mentality still follow me?  Will I still look in the mirror and NOT like what I see.  Or will I finally have a healthy image of myself in my own head.  The good news is...I'm feeling better enough about myself that I don't try to overt my own eyes when I get out of the shower. 

My goal is by the time I'm 40...that I will no longer be labeled 'medically obese' and we can see a decrease in insurance premium!  The changes I've made in this little time, I'm already seeing in my little girl.  Yes..I am currently the only one completely following this lifestyle, but she's picking up the important things.  When she asks for a snack..she'll name off things and usually follow it with "That's a healthy snack." or "That's not a healthy snack." and she's usually right.  I want to be healthy so that by the time she's old enough to realize I'm not, she can't be embarrassed.  As it is, the other day she pushed on my fat stomach and said "MOM..your tummy is REALLY full." UGH. I guess shouldn't feel to bad though...she thinks my poor dad is having a baby.  And he's not even as heavy as I am probably!  But he's got the typical 'all stomach' weight that you see in most men.

And I have the support of my family...my mom is always asking "Can you eat that?" "What can I make that is healthy for you?" I made a summertime broccoli salad for my family that is sugar free and everyone LOVED and devoured it.  I'm trying to show them that eating this way doesn't mean lack of taste OR deprivation! 

I know that I was the biggest foodie in the house...there are STILL jelly beans left...and my mom brought Dilly Bars for the hubs and peanut two weeks ago and he just ate the last one. (there were only 3 of them) If I were still eating them...they'd been gone LONG ago!  But I have found alternatives...chocolate shakes using heavy cream, and Greek yogurt or raw milk.  And that satisfies whatever ice cream craving I may have. Which I really don't even....

So excited the weather is finally nice and I can start planning my summer garden.  I'm going at it this year with a whole new approach based on the things I'm learning and needing for this way of life.  I feel blessed that I feel this good, and that a friend encouraged me to try it.  Thank you Joy!

Enjoy the sunshine...I refuse to complain about the heat today...just enjoy it and maybe sweat off a couple inches! Okay...maybe that exaggerating!  But at least bask in what I thought was never coming this year!!!!

To Health!


Monday, May 6, 2013

The Month's Up...

So it occurred to me I haven't blogged in awhile!  Sorry!  It's officially been a month of being wheat and sugar free.  And although there are changes made, I don't feel overwhelmed or deprived.  I am still following the plan and feeling great.  I've had a couple weeks of feeling a bit hungry, so I'm tweaking what that's about.  Emotions? Hormones? WEATHER?! I haven't lost weight in the last couple weeks.  So officially it was 11 lbs for the month, but I am still losing inches.  Over 10 all over to be exact.  Which is good...but I'd still like to see the number on the scale moving.  But the fact that I don't want to crawl into the fetal position when I put my jeans on, tells me somethings working! There has perhaps been an increase in wine consumption with this nice weather we are finally having...then the snow came again...and there was wine consumed because you 'have to be kidding me!' The nice weather euphoria will subside, and so will the wine consumption.  (we are just talking a glass or two. Don't go checking me into a 12 step program yet!!)

For Friday's breakfast I made what my friend Joy calls 'Bullet Proof' coffee.  In it you put 1/4 c. HEAVY whipping cream, 3 tblsp butter, 3 tbslp coconut oil, 12 oz coffee and sweetener to taste. Talk about fattening!  But as I'm told fat is your friend in this lifestyle!  What a foreign concept to someone who grew up thinking that fat free, low calorie was the way to be.  What a change this has been!

People keep asking if I miss stuff.  The answer is not really. Because the desire for those things has completely left me. I can look at a loaf of bread and not want a piece of toast. Candy in the aisle at the store, doesn't effect me.  Truth be told, other than the wine I have not cheated at all.  Nothing containing sugar, or wheat!  I haven't even chewed a stick of gum in the last month! (the artificial sweetener is a no no.)

As summer approaches finally, I am thinking it might be time to add in a little activity.  Not only for the weight loss benefits but for my own sanity.  It's amazing the endorphins you get from just a little activity!  Today I think I'll do a little raking.  That counts right?! 

There are days that between caring for the kids and the house, I don't have all the time to plan. So those days you might find me with a plate of cheese, olives, and a pickle for a meal.  But I've got some baking in, including pancakes, lemon bars and some yummy brownies.  So no...I don't feel deprived if I keep some of that in the freezer for those days I need a sweet fix.  Which honestly lately is daily!

Whatever you are doing for your health..keep on keeping on.  Because that's what I'm going to do.  This seems to be working for me and things are moving in a much better direction than they have in a long time. I'm happy that 4 months after giving birth to my son, I'm only about 5 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  And the days I feel like 11 lbs isn't enough, I think about just how heavy my 13 lb baby gets after holding him for awhile! 

To Health!


Sorry no photos this time...left my iPod in the rain...so it's currently drying out with any new food pics!